Op-Ed: We Need Cell Phones on Planes

You ever notice those annoying people who talk loudly on their phone in an annoying voice for hours on end about inane topics? We don’t, most likely because we are usually too busy talking on the phone to someone in our extensive and impressive social network to notice them. This humble introduction brings us to the topic of today’s op-ed: cell phones on planes.

Now, as always, before we get to the juicy meat of this debate, let’s look at a few facts to provide some context. Fact: Everyone who does not own a cell phone is dead or will die within three years. Fact: Economists agree that more than $34.4 billion is lost annually due to important businessmen and businesswomen not being able to talk on their phones while in the air. Fact: Planes are noisy and it is therefore necessary to scream when using a phone on a plane.

In light of this information, we believe that simple economics and logic dictate that phone usage should, and soon will, be allowed on planes. For those of you who still believe plane cabins to be a sacred, inviolable meditation space, we would like to invite you to the 21st century. Everyone here is always connected, whether you like it or not, and it is criminal to cut people off simply because they are inside a metal tube with a couple hundred other people. We have spoken with representatives from several large telecom companies, who are obviously the foremost experts on the subject, and every single one agreed wholeheartedly that phones should be allowed on planes.

Remember us? We would also like to fly.

In sum, we think it clear that phone usage on planes is inevitable and favorable. If you are the type who is continually annoyed by hearing other people’s conversations, it now appears your only viable option is to make one friend and then call that friend and complain to them about your phone issues. Or you can avoid airplanes. Either way, welcome to the future!